Life can still happen on a Monday
Trigger warning: loss and grief
Monday used to be my favorite day. I used to talk about Mondays like they were the best day of the week, I saw them as full of potential, possibilities, a fresh start. They were a day full of life. Six weeks ago, it all changed.
Five months prior to the day everything changed, I started a surrender experiment. I wanted to see what life could offer if I let go of control and expectations. At first it was fun, a release, a breath of fresh air, a Monday kind of feeling. It led me to go on vacation in Glastonbury, to a writers’ workshop in London and to believe in myself like I never did before. But soon I was going to learn that surrender isn’t only about welcoming what feels good, it’s also about accepting what doesn’t feel good.
It was on a Monday when my dad called me to tell me my mom was dead... not the kind of phone call you want to receive any day of the week. For me, it happened on a Monday.
Now Mondays feel like pain and sadness, loss and grief, from the moment I wake up to the time I got that phone call. Each Monday, I can’t help but replay the events of that morning in my mind, what I was doing, what she was doing, how it all happened...
Last December when I recorded the first video about my surrender experiment, I said that I wanted to let go of control, to be alive, to surrender to whatever life was going to throw my way and that I was willing to experience it all for the sake of having a full human experience... Well, today I can say that I finally know what it feels like to be fully human. After being torn apart from head to toe and left wide open for all the pain, sadness and grief to enter, I now realise that I didn’t know what it meant to be human before I felt all of that.
Today I have two options. Either I reject my new reality, I numb myself into forgetting the pain, memories and love, or, I surrender to the experience. I surrender and accept that this is my new reality. A reality in which my mom isn’t breathing, talking, laughing anymore. A reality in which I have to keep breathing, talking and laughing myself if I want to truly live.
I suppose this is what the surrender experiment is about. Learning to make peace with what is, learning to be in the moment without trying to escape it, learning to be ok no matter how good or bad life feels.
Today is Monday, and I surrender to the fact that I want to write, film and share again, just like I used to. I surrender to the idea that Monday can still be a good day and that it’s okay for me to find peace, beauty and even joy on a Monday. Today I realise, life can still happen for me.
